Disclaimer: I may have been financially compensated or be gifted products from the companies mentioned in this post, unless otherwise stated. All opinions and thoughts are genuinely my own. If you wish to find out more, please see my DISCLAIMER page for more information.
I believe it is so important to share our experiences of mental health, to help others in understanding it better. Everyone goes through hard times and more people than ever seem to be suffering with mental health issues.
I suppose I should begin by explaining a bit about me and my experiences. I’m 24 years old and graduated from University this time last year. Throughout my teenage years and University, I would have random freak outs. Sometimes it could be over something huge, such as an exam or moving house. Other times it could be over something which wasn’t a big deal at all, like going clothes shopping or walking into a bar/pub.
I can remember the first time I had what I understood as being an anxiety attack. It was back when I was at college and I’d gone out in town for Halloween dressed up as a cat. I’d had two drinks which were only alcopops. The group then decided to go ahead to the next bar which was small and absolutely packed with people. My boyfriend went to the bar to buy us both a drink and I don’t even know where our friends were. I remember my vision suddenly going, everything was really blurred. Then, my hearing went muffled. Everything around me went from being loud to really quiet. Next thing I knew, I felt myself falling on the floor. I managed to get the attention of a bouncer and the next thing I knew I was outside the bar on the floor in tears.
I’d spent years building my confidence up and gaining control in regards to my mental health, but at the end of 2013 I lost my nephew, Luke, to sepsis. Even though Luke was my nephew, he was actually like a brother to me. I’d grown up with him since a very young age and suddenly he wasn’t there any more. He was such a happy, cheeky and funny young man.
After the death of Luke, I was in a dark place but I knew I had to keep going. I needed to graduate University. My mum had worked so hard to get me through the first two years, I wasn’t going to mess up my final year. I knew Luke would want me to continue with university and graduate, so I did it. It was hard, it really was. I felt very alone and I wasn’t letting myself grieve.
The passing of Luke has left me with a huge hole in my heart because he’s gone. To this day, I can’t understand why it was his time to leave us. Why would someone so young, who we all loved so much be taken away from us in a matter of days?
Just after finishing university, I then had some more sad news, that my lovely nan (we called her Nanny) had passed away whilst I was on holiday in Turkey. Again, I didn’t deal very well with her death at all. I tried surrounding myself with people but I’d just put on a front and act like I was fine. Nanny was such a beautiful woman, but she was in a lot of pain. We miss her every single day but I understand now it was her time to go. I was crying constantly, I contemplated ending my life on multiple occasions but something always stopped me. I remembered that I have people who care about me and love me, such as my mum and boyfriend.
I want people to understand that life does get better, even when you’ve lost someone or people who mean a lot to you. A lovely man who gave me advice when Luke first passed said, “People say time heals, but I think they are wrong. Time doesn’t heal. It’s about taking those negative feelings from remembering someone and turning them into positive memories which make you smile.” which has really helped me and it’s so true!
It does get better. I’m now living with my boyfriend and figuring out what I want to do with my life, even at 24, there’s nothing wrong with that. I still have days where my anxiety controls me and I have anxiety attacks. I also have days where I can’t bring myself to do anything except cry because my depression is bad. It’s a long journey and these things are there to test us, for whatever reason. I know that I definitely wouldn’t have got through any of this without my amazing mum.
I’m hoping to go back to college in September (I work full time) and study part time, but I’m waiting for confirmation. I’m so proud of myself for continuing to battle my anxiety and depression. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I can do this, I don’t want my mental health to control me!
Disclaimer: I may have been financially compensated or be gifted products from the companies mentioned throughout my blog, unless otherwise stated. Posts on LouiseRoseRailton.com may contain items which have been gifted from a company, are a PR sample or paid for with a gift voucher. LouiseRoseRailton.com also contains sponsored posts, in which I have received paid compensation. All opinions and thoughts are genuinely my own. If you wish to find out more, please see my DISCLAIMER page for more information.
I'm Louise, a 28 year old blogger living in York. I'm a freelance blogger and Teaching Assistant. This is my corner of the internet, in which I cover topics such as mental health, travel, fashion, lifestyle and so much more!
February 2019 – Leeds
March 2019 – Manchester
April 2019 – Harrogate & Hull
May 2019 – Yorkshire Spa Break
June 2019 – Manchester & Disney Land Paris
August 2019 – Leeds & Beverley
September 2019 – Leeds